MentorBoom

Having had polio as a child, I was left to deal with the physical and emotional aftereffects.  While I recovered very well physically, I kept finding different ways the illness and hospitalization affected me for years to come.  Seeing a doctor became difficult because I reacted like a turtle, part of me closed up and withdrew instantaneously.  I had no control over it; it just came on like pulling back my hand from a hot stove.  The months of intrusive treatment and handling as a child of 7 left me traumatized.

In order to minimize the contact I had to have with traditional medicine, I found myself studying and using alternative therapies, some of which were amazingly successful.  One modality in particular, acupuncture, was very helpful.  The acupuncturist, Doug Johnson, has an undergraduate degree in psychology and has taught acupuncture at one of the primary American acupuncture schools.  He was a good fit for me and what I needed at the time.

One thing Doug told me that has always stuck in dealing with relationships is the metaphor of “the inner gate and the outer gate.”  He said, we meet people with our heart.  The human connection of person to person, as opposed to role to role, takes place in the first seconds of an encounter, or it doesn’t.  We have an unconscious visceral reaction to each other, for better or for worse.

• Some people we meet will not get past the outer gate to our heart, our authentic self.  We know we can’t afford closeness in this relationship.
• Others we meet will be allowed into the space between the inner and outer gates: for a specific purpose, a span of time, or in some rare cases, forever.
• The inner gate remains closed to all but a select few.  Those who make it through this gate are trusted and cared for, unless and until they prove themselves otherwise.  Most of the time, however, those who make it that close to our heart have earned their way and proven distinctly who they are.

Is there anyone, or anything (a habit, a compulsion, an addiction), in your life currently too close, but shouldn’t be?  Have you let in someone who would be better off outside the inner gate, or perhaps out of your life for good?  Conversely, is there someone who has been excluded from your life who would make a positive difference for you now?  Is there someone you would like to invite into your life but who is outside, looking in?

Perhaps old, outdated reactions have cut you off from a person or a situation that could be useful to you now.  Or, perhaps you’ve kept a relationship that no longer serves and you’d be better off without.  Either way, the path to clarity and balance in your life might pass through a proper evaluation of and action on your relationships.

Some readers have asked me, “Who is this mysterious Arno fellow?”  I replied that I thought I’d explained sufficiently in an early entry, but evidently not.  Just like anything else in life, if I’m too close to it, I take it for granted.  Since I consider Arno my prime, non-family mentor the story is just part of who I am, what I do and how I do it.

Soon, I’ll link a longer article about the relationship Arno and I had for 15 years from excerpts I’ve written about it in articles over the years.  In the meantime, perhaps a timeline of significant events will help clarify things and expand understanding so the whole purpose of my writing here makes more sense.  After all, it’s called MentorBoom for a reason!

1938–Martha and Arno Herz (changed to Hart in this country) crossed into Switzerland to escape the pending Holocaust in their native Germany.  They carry with them, like tourists, all they can safely carry and make it out of Europe and come to NYC.  Arno begins work in the U.S. with the American division of the German company he worked for there.  Ultimately they moved to Charlotte where he continued to work until his retirement at age 84.  He worked for the company for 68 years total.

1951–Arno converted to Christianity at Myers Park Baptist Church with Dr. George Heaton.  I always remember Dr. Heaton’s name because he was so influential in Arno’s life.  Arno went on to be a Deacon in the church and to teach class regularly in the adult Sunday classes.  Perhaps the essence of what Arno found so compelling about Dr. Heaton can be found in his statement that “. . .a free pulpit is a great bulwark against tyranny.”  Perhaps Arno had seen too many sit silently by while a great evil was rising around them.

1973–I begin working with my father in Gastonia, having moved our family back from Greensboro.  It was tense and testy being with Dad so much.  I spent more time with him my first week back than I had in my entire life up to that point, again, for a reason!  I was the long haired musician and he shaved his head to look like Yul Brenner.  In April of that year Dad and I attended a trade association meeting in Charlotte.  Arno saw me, took me aside and uttered those prophetic words, “Robert, I’ve known you all your life and your father longer than you’ve been alive.  You’re going to have trouble working with him.  If I can be of help, let me know.”

1988–From May, 1973 until Dad died in January, Arno and I had met for lunch about once a week.  The conversations we had in noisy restaurants and walking his neighborhood streets, were about what I call “social philosophy.”  As implied by the wide range of disciplines encompassed in this term, we covered lots of topics.  Among them: religion and spirituality, human behavior, social interactions, and above all, relationship.

Arno and I had our ups and downs in the relationship, just like anyone else does.  A mentor/mentee relationship has all the ails to which other ones are prone.  There were times of great connection of thought and word.  I’m certain that I would never have honed the skills I use in my work without the whetstone of our relationship to sharpen them.  There were also times when I was disillusioned with him, as I’m sure he was with me.  He often said, “We use each other.”  That sounded pretty mercenary, but when thought of in a larger context, it began to make sense.  It was certainly true in our case.  I’ll write more about that in an upcoming entry.

Let me end by giving my gratitude and appreciation to Arno and to my father.  While the three of us rarely interacted after my first year back with Dad, we created a unique crucible for burning off the dross  and getting down to the core of relationship.  A month  before he died I said goodnight to my father and said, “Dad, you’re a wonderful man.”  He looked up at me and said, with the strongest voice I’d heard in weeks, “Son, you’re a better man than I.”  What more could a son receive from his father?  This would never have occurred without the curious relationship we three had.

“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.”

                                                                                                                                   Bumper sticker wisdom

For 50 years or more my father and now I have been on the board of a private foundation in my hometown.  The foundation was formed from profits from a public textile company and was the vision of the founder, Mr. Myers.  Over the years we’ve watched over the ebb and flow of the investments, fat, happy and generous when markets have been good; cautious, serious and tight when they’ve been as they have for the past 4+ years.

The main purpose of this foundation has been to foster education for the people of Gaston County.  The founders knew that the workers in the mills wanted to better the lives of their children and the way out was education.

For 5 years I served on a public board that studied the systemic causes of poverty in North Carolina.  The outcome of all our study and discussion?  Educating and nurturing children through the first 5 years of life is the way out of poverty.  If we don’t feel stimulated and supported during that time, life is going to be an epic struggle rather than Katherine Hepburn’s vision of life as “a grand adventure.”

Scholarship money from the foundation goes to 12 college students each year.  The money goes not only for smarts, but also for school and community involvement, and emphasis is placed on need.  It’s not a huge amount, but it eases the pain for most of those who receive it.  I’ve observed that these students who’ve had some very difficult circumstances and yet who have excelled at school appreciate education more than those for whom education is a paid-for given.

One of the grave injustices we’re doing in this country today is to make quality education less available to highly qualified and motivated student.  These are the very people we need to be developing so they are able to give to society the great things they’re capable of.  Many of these scholarship students have great passions about something.  Certainly our society and the world need the best contributions we can make.  Full life is about living passionately and doing things that make us feel alive.  One of my favorite quotes says: “Where my great passion and the world’s great need intersect, there lies my right livelihood.”

It is unfortunate and frustrating to see our culture (and I use that term loosely) splitting apart so dramatically.  It’s not so much the short term disruption, it’s the long term impact of having to go back and undo much of what has been done.  Only then can we move forward again.